There are four kinds of expectations in life we typically have to deal with:
- Expectations of God
- Expectations God has of us
- Expectations of ourselves
- Expectations that others have of us
Each of these expectations impacts how we live, feel, relate to others, view ourselves, etc. Generally speaking if we believe we are living up to these expectations we have reason to feel good about ourselves. We feel secure, confident, at peace. But the reality is that at some point these expectations will not be met:
- At some point your expectations of God will not be met and you will feel angry and disappointed.
- At some point you will in some way feel as though you have let God down by not living up to His expectations of you, whether real or perceived.
- At some point you will let yourself down by falling short of your expectations for yourself.
- At some point you will not live up to the expectations (whether real or perceived) that others have of you.
THE TEMPTATION TO FAKE IT
The problem for us is that when this happens we are inevitably tempted to fake it. We feel as though we have to keep up appearances that everything is going great and that we know what we are doing because we are afraid to show weakness.
We could never talk about how we are angry and embittered against God because we feel like he let us down. We can’t begin to talk about the ways that we think we have failed to live up to the expectations that God has for us. There is no way we could talk to others about how we can’t stand being who we are because we have failed to live up to our expectations of ourselves. And there is surely no way we could admit to having failed or thinking we have failed the people around us.
So rather than speak honestly and openly about our failures, struggles, fears, and insecurities we cover them up with smiles and talk about how things are going great. Out of fear we chose to fake it and suffer in silence falsely believing we are the only ones who feel this way, think these things, or struggle with this.
On a very practical level this is why understanding the gospel and applying to our lives is so important. One of the basic points of the gospel message is that we are sinners. We are selfish, rebellious, and broken. We are guilty of not just falling short, but committing crimes against God, one another, and the creation. We are, in every sense of the word, failures who have let God, ourselves, and others down. To think otherwise is to deny the basic truth that we are sinners as 1 John 1:8-10 plainly tells us:
If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. (9) If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (10) If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.
THE GOSPEL FREES US TO ADMIT OUR FAILURES
In order to war against the tendency to fake it when expectations are not met we must know how the gospel frees us from confusion and the fear of judgment and condemnation. For this to happen we must understand how the gospel frees us up in each of the four areas of expectation listed above.
Our Expectations of God
In all four areas of unmet expectation this can be the most confusing because the truth is that God is perfect and good and He always does what He says He will do. The problem is that we often expect things of Him he never promised us. When this happens we end up confused and angry because He didn’t do something we thought he would.
The gospel addresses this because it reminds us that the bedrock message of the gospel is that we get Jesus. He loves us and we belong to Him. Romans 8:35-39 speaks to this when it asks:
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? (36) As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” (37) No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. (38) For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, (39) nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
By asking whether these things (tribulation, distress, persecution, famine, nakedness, danger, sword) can separate us from Christ he is implying that a life with Christ is not devoid of such things. We struggle when we fail to recognize this reality because we can feel betrayed by God when hardships of these kinds hit. Jesus promised that he would be with us through these things. Not that we wouldn’t go through them.
Jeremiah is a great example of how to deal with the emotions we feel when our expectations are not met. We are to cry out to Him in honesty rather than pretend that we are ok (Jeremiah 20:7-18).
Expectations God has of Us
Once we understand the gospel we are freed up from worrying and fretting about whether or not God is pleased with us. What frees us is the realization that Jesus not only paid the penalty for our sins but in exchange has given us his righteousness so that when God looks at us He sees us as Jesus is.
We fail, but Jesus did not and every expectation for holiness and perfection Jesus met on our behalf in order to credit it to us. This is an incredible truth. God loves us in a way that is far better than unconditional…we are loved as Jesus is loved – which means He declares us worthy of His love because are in Christ!
This is one of the radical implications of what we are told in Romans 5:6-10:
For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. (7) For one will scarcely die for a righteous person–though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die– (8) but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (9) Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. (10) For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life.
Expectations of Ourselves
Many of us are harder on ourselves (at least inwardly) than others are on us. We ridicule ourselves, condemn ourselves, shame ourselves, degrade ourselves, etc. The problem is that we stop there. We are right to look at ourselves and to mourn. We are right to examine our heart, life, and conduct and feel remorse. We are right to feel the weight of our brokenness. But if we know the gospel to be true we mustn’t stop there.
We must move beyond these things to Christ who paid the penalty for our sins and has cleansed us of all of our unrighteousness. We are broken, flawed, selfish, foolish, and ignorant. We are far worse than we even dare to imagine. But Jesus loved us anyway and when He died upon the cross He died for every vile and wretched thing about us…every particular, single, specific thing (see Romans 7:15-25).
The truth is we have failed ourselves and should be no surprise to us. However, our hope is not in ourselves but in Jesus who did not and will not fail. Further, if Jesus deemed you cherished enough to die for you in order to make you worthy of God’s love then you should stop arguing with Him. Trust in Him and admit that you fail to live up to even your own expectations of yourself.
Others Expectations of Us
Other people having expectations of us is not necessarily a bad thing. Other peoples expectations can hold us accountable. They can sometimes call us to be more than we even though we were capable of being. In the end, it is not their expectations of us that are oppressive. It is our tendency to find value for ourselves in trying to live up to other people’s expectations of us, whether real or perceived.
The truth is that we will fail those around us. Our family. Our friends. Our coworkers. Our brothers and sisters in Christ. We will at some point disappoint and let them down. And at some point they will disappoint and let you down. Sometimes it will be because of unrealistic expectations. Other times it will be because we failed or they failed…sometimes horribly.
The gospel frees us up to admit to, confess, and repent of our failures to one another because we realize our sense of identity and value is not found in what others think of or feel about us. Our identity and value are found only in Jesus who decided we were valuable enough to Him to shed his blood on our behalf.
THE CHOICE WE MUST ALL MAKE
Ultimately, we have to decide what we will do with our weaknesses…with our failures. The fact is that we all have them. This is undeniable. The fact is that we all will fail. This is inevitable. But how we respond is up for grabs.